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NEWS OF THE WEIRD
The saws stopped abruptly in shop class Tuesday and the school was almost evacuated when sophomore Brian Boles found a suspicious object on Mr. Wyndall’s desk. Thinking the object was a frisbee, Brian slung it across the room and hit junior Dennis Dokes in the upper lip. While tending to Dennis, a recent transfer student from rival Gartown High, Mr. Wyndall explained to the class that the “frisbee” was his favorite Boss Scaggs LP. Randy, who had never seen a record before, served one day in ISS.
Choosing Dare over Truth during lunch yesterday in the inner quad, junior and self-proclaimed black belt Damien Timpson punched his fist through a concrete cinder block in the wall next to Mr. Faubion’s office window (the assistant principal has been out the last month following a corrective eye procedure). To everyone’s amazement, Black Belt Timpson unearthed what the gathered students thought was a time capsule placed therein by an alumni class from long ago. On hearing the commotion with her bat like sonar hearing, Cyretta Gorman sprinted all the way from B Hall and dragged Damien Timpson from the quadrangle by the ear while promising him detention and explaining to all that the “time capsule” was actually an old pay phone disconnected and walled up in the late 90′s.
Ebony Jones did not recognize an item in her plate lunch last week and caused the school to be temporarily locked down. Thinking it similar to pictures she’d seen in her history or science class, she was sure it was a small grenade or a poisonous bug and screamed herself to the point of vomiting. It turned out to be a vegetable and Ebony was not reprimanded for her actions.
Freshman and foreign exchange student Tony Shimazu had to spend half of last Thursday in the school infirmary after laughing himself out of consciousness. According to witnesses sitting nearby, Tony began laughing uncontrollably after hearing Coach Epperson explain with audacity that, “back in the old days,” students had to use manual, non-electric pencil sharpeners. Tony Shimazu’s sister, senior Shimmy Shimazu, declined to comment.
Senior and starting defensive tackle on the football team Ellis Leiter, who students refer to as Leiter Than None, had to miss practice Monday after Earl Goodwood, the school’s longest tenured custodian, found the player stuck between a rock and a hard place in one of the storage rooms. Good Earl called Coach Pippendyke in to see the sight. ”Lord a’mighty, Leiter,” the defensive line coach said to his heaviest and strongest but not brightest player, “you got yourself all bound up in an overhead projector! Haven’t you ever seen one of those before?” Ellis, who told Good Earl that he thought the contraption was an abdominal workout machine, was back in practice on Tuesday and tallied four sacks and injured all of the opposing team’s quarterbacks in Friday’s 38-3 victory over Highlands North.
